God Help Me Control My Anger

Foundations

The progression of the levels of maturity in the realm of anger management will save your marriage or closest relationships if taken to heart and practiced. This progression in maturity can possibly even reconcile your marriage, even after a divorce may have occurred. There is a premise in modern day psychology that states that anger needs to be vented or expressed, this is contrary to the biblical principle of self-control. When their is a contradiction between a modern philosophy and a biblical truth we must proclaim the divine principle true and everything else a lie (Rom. 3:4).

Before we can even begin to speak about addressing destructive forms of expressive anger we must have a firm foundation in which to establish truth. I have listed the four foundational principles that must be agreed upon before one can approach the matter.

1. Absolute Truth - Morality

If you do not have a framework based upon absolute truth there is no basis to determine misconduct and therefore no means of reconciliation, since one cannot determine what misconduct is. Hence, if you are angry with another individual because of a moral failure, but that individual does not share the same moral system as you (in other words they believe they are morally correct and disagree) you must appeal to a higher 'morality' one beyond yourselves. This is why we must resort to the Holy Scriptures that which contain metaphysical truths that transcend time, culture and are absolute. Hence, foundational is the belief in the divine inspiration of the Holy Scriptures and they are the basis for determining all morality or correct conduct. There is no greater expression of the affirmation of belief in these divine principles than the entrusting of one's own life to the personal Lordship of Jesus Christ in one's own life.

2. Love, Respect And Forgiveness For Each Other

There must be held sacred to all relationships love, respect and forgiveness: these must be upheld irrespective of the injury incurred by the other individual. Hence, there is no place or desire for personal vindication when these values are paramount. If these core values are not present, reconciliation can never be sustained or obtained. It is vital that forgiveness exists when offense has occurred, and foundational to the Christian principle (Mt. 6:15, Mk. 11:26, Mt. 5:22).

3. Desire To Mature In Relationships

   If one does not desire maturity then there is no point of reference to begin a dialog of what is of necessity to be accomplished. One must desire change for their own betterment. If this element is not present, do not attempt to proceed with these higher levels with such and individual with any sense of real achievement.

4. Understand Human Anger With The Purpose Of Vindication Is Wrong.

One cannot begin to address the offensiveness of anger in one's own life until they first are willing to concede that they are wrong in their expression of anger. This is not to say that anger does not have a place in human expression, but when dealing with relationships such as your spouse, children, siblings, closest relationships, etc. it does not accomplish the goal of reaching a Level 4-5 relationship as described below, which is the pinnacle of intimate relationships with these afore mentioned persons. It is only conceivable that it will only be detrimental to true intimacy. The following verses address this matter of anger:

• Jam. 1:20

For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

• Mat. 5:22

But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

• Ecc. 7:9

Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

• Eph. 4:31

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

• Col. 3:8

But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.

Levels Of Maturity In Reacting To Anger

Maturity in relationships is progressive and a byproduct of diligent effort. Good relational skills don't just happen, they are developed and we as individuals must learn to recognize when we regress to the lower levels of their expression.

• Level 1 - Express your hurt as anger when your feelings are hurt.

This is the most immature form of expression, where one is just reactionary to another's injurious remarks. Prov. 15:1 states that harsh words only stir up strife, so this level one expression is counter productive to deeper relationships. In addition, Prov. 12:16 indicates it is the manner of a fool to show his immediate annoyance, unless you like to be considered in the company of such, I suggest we progress to level two at a minimum.



• Level 2 - Express your hurt as hurt

Express your hurt as hurt to the person whom has injured your feelings. Sometimes this is all that is sufficient for a person to realize they have injured your feelings and reconciliation can occur. However, if an individual is only encouraged by your vulnerability and continue their assault on you, then understand that you must stop and directly address this by stating calmly that it would be best to address this at a time when they are not angry. When and individual continues to attack, it is a sign of a deep rooted bitterness that will take time to resolve. Otherwise, the following are some appropriate responses of expressing your hurt as hurt and not anger (remember your tone of voice must be calm and soft):

1. "What you just said hurt my feelings, did you realize that?"
2. "Did you know that you just hurt my feelings by saying that?"


• Level 3 - Attempt to understand why they have injured your feelings and bring reconciliation. Dealing only with the issue itself and not focusing on their feelings.


• Level 4 - Recognize The Source Of Their Hurt

Recognize that you have injured their feelings and their response is the byproduct of your unconscious awareness that you have injured them. Understand that essentially "hurt begats hurt," they are perhaps only being reciprical to your own insensitivity. This is not however always the case when dealing with an individual who fundementally lacks judgement in dealing with close relationships.

1. Address their hurt directly in a gentle tone

Pr. 15:1: “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

• Types of replies that would be acceptable:
  1. “You are upset with me, can you tell me why?”
  2. “I see you are upset with me, what did I do that hurt you?”
• Level 5 - Pursue Understanding Their Feelings

Make a diligent effort at studying the other person in order to understand their feelings and learn how to address sensitive issues when appropriate.

1. Hold this understanding sacred and never use it to provoke anger.
2. Use this understanding to prevent anger, not from the perspective of avoidance but always preface the subject with a kind introduction:
   • "Please don't get angry with me, but I would like to share something from my heart with you..."
   • "I have something to say that is difficult for me, would you be willing to please hear me out on this before responding..."



Only you can judge what a true appropriate response would be that would not provoke an angery response after carefully studying the individual and their character. For those of whom in response to anger find themselves committing acts that violate moral character, please remember that irrespective of what anyone else does to you, you are inevitably responsible for your own actions. It is a deceptive lie to blame others for your actions. You and only you are responsible for your actions. For many that are dealing with a spouse that is abusive in the relationship, the "victim" will often justify themselves for some moral failure or action blaming it upon the other "if only they didn't... then I wouldn't..." We will stand and give an account to God for our lives and our actions, not the actions of others. Keep this awareness and focus.

These principles if practiced will make your relationships more meaningful and richer. They will help you in esteeming the virtue of humility and servanthood for those of whom you love. When practiced they will return a harvest of love in response. I have made these precepts a daily part of my life and believe in their efficacy and am assured you will too. God bless.